I was still chewing his going–away dinner at David’s when Bernie went into a familiar routine: with his arms crossed tightly over his chest, tongue smacking on his palate, he acted-out a straight-jacket struggle of indecision about whether or not to share the Big Secret, which he was certain, would convince me he was worthy of assassination and that he indeed should leave the country. I was supposed to interrupt this performance with pleas. Instead, I concentrated on my… his meal.
I thought again of the times he and I had been together, evenings or afternoons, at a movie or a coffeehouse, when he had been stoned on acid and I hadn’t known about it, and I felt angry and betrayed. It was a ridiculous thing to hide, like all his other secrets. Months of resentment welled up in me.
Before he mentioned the poisoning of his food, I was on a mission to save him. Not any more. He had ruined the evening by bringing along his bogeymen and I didn’t give a damn if he emigrated or not, or what the Big Secret was. I put the fork on the plate.
“Let’s go, o.k.?” I said as I pushed the chair back.
He was surprised. He thought we were still negotiating over his telling me the secret. The bill hadn’t been totaled yet, so I put a tip under a plate and walked over to the cash register. While I paid, he just sat at the table, not moving, still considering. I pocketed change and looked at him.
“I’ve got to get home,” I said. “It’s late.” Then I went through the front doors onto the sidewalk, where I waited for him.
Good-byes were curt, shaking hands beside my car. There was a moment of awkward silence when he let me see some of his continuing struggle over the secret.
“Wanna a ride?” I asked with only as much conviction as felt decent.
“No,” he said with a shake of the head.
“I’ll stop by and see Jenny once in a while. See if there’s anything I can do to help,” I said as I opened the door.
“Yeah. . . thank-th. . . “
He continued standing there as I started the car then while I pulled into traffic. I saw him in the rearview mirror watching me drive away. After a half dozen or so blocks, my mind drifted to Jenny, and I suddenly realized that, if she knew the Big Secret, I might be able to get it out of her.
